Eyes (Were Better) Shut

Let's start this blog with the glorious announcement that your scholarly film host extraordinaire, Mystery Man, recently viewed the uncut, unrated, filthy, dirty, mansion scene in Kubrick's final film, Eyes Wide Shut.

After waiting years and years and years, I finally saw what this supposedly "hardcore" scene was all about and...

I laughed.

I laughed and I laughed and I laughed.

The mansion's exhibitionists looked so silly with the way they were furiously pounding each other. Their movements were so animated and so over-the-top (no pun intended) that it was more comical than hardcore, and I doubt that was ever Kubrick's intention.

As much as I hate to say it, Eyes Wide Shut is a better film WITH the carefully placed figures blocking our view because it left more to the imagination. I'm starting to wonder if perhaps, Warner Brothers added those figures NOT because the sex was "too hardcore" but because the sex was, in reality, so silly looking that had it been shown in the U.S. as it was, American audiences would've laughed at it.

I also suspect that Warner Brothers HAD to lie about why they did it because they couldn't come out and tell the world, "hey, we had to cover up the sex because Kubrick, the pain-in-the-ass genius that he was, can film a lot of wonderful things, but sex is not one of them. Hiding the sex in the mansion was the difference between being turned on and falling out of your chair laughing."

That's my theory anyway.