Feast - A Limited Dump
The day is upon us. Feast is finally getting its limited weekend dump.
I hate to poo-poo anyone’s new movie, but friends, we gotta face reality. A limited midnight-one-weekend-only-showing and straight-to-DVD unveiling next month is an embarrassment to the filmmakers and an open admission by the studio that the movie sucks. They know that not even word-of-mouth will save this thing from tanking by about 4 o’clock Saturday afternoon. The limited dump and quick DVD flush is the only way they can fathom making a quick buck.
By the way, you guys think we’re tough reviewers on TriggerStreet? Read these real reviews by real critics and be terrified. For a screenwriter, these may very well be career-ending reviews:
James Berardinelli's ZERO STAR Review:
“We have seen this sort of thing too many times for it to be inventive or clever. It's tired, and the filmmakers fail to find a way to invest it with anything fresh. (Here's a novel concept: why not try to make a horror film scary?)
“Feast makes Snakes on a Plane look like the pinnacle of cinematic achievement.
“Zero stars does not mean the movie is completely without merit. By my estimate, the film includes approximately 45 seconds of worthwhile material (a couple of amusing visual gags, one of which features a stalled car and occurs just in advance of the end credits). Since the running length is short of 90 minutes, that means about 0.9% of Feast merits viewing. That means 9 cents of your $10.00 movie ticket is well spent…”
Andrew Wright of Seattle’s The Stranger:
“Give novice scripters Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton some amount of credit for trying to craft a winking ur-text for the genre – the characters are all given generic titles like Heroine, Bartender, and Beer Guy – but their conceptual goals appear to far outweigh their actual writing ability.”
Nick Schager of Slant Magazine:
“Writers Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton's script barely generates any chuckles from its strained one-liners… the fact remains that, rather than catching Feast during its limited midnight-movie theatrical release, one can enjoy comparable B-movie goofiness via any Saturday-night Sci-Fi Channel offering.”
Dennis Harvey of Variety:
“Basically throwing together familiar horror ideas without focusing on any in particular, Feast hopes its wild tone will compensate for the lack of distinctive characters or ideas.”
They should be grateful Ebert is still hospitalized.
A friend of mine sent me an email that I’m sure is exactly what word-of-mouth will sound like across the nation: “Oh, yes... it was BAD. With the exception of a few humorous lines, the story sucked. In retrospect, I should have used the free Jackass 2 tickets I had instead.”
What did I tell you guys in my previous post about Feast? Take heed my words or suffer the consequences: “Before you step into the spotlight on the world stage with your screenplays, you had better a) possess a God-like knowledge of every facet of screenwriting b) already be a master craftsman, and c) have awesomely executed scripts under your belt that will stun the world and have them begging for more. Period. You have to be THAT good. And, in this day and age, you’re only as good as your last script, which means that you have to deliver something incredible every time you’re at bat.”
I hate to poo-poo anyone’s new movie, but friends, we gotta face reality. A limited midnight-one-weekend-only-showing and straight-to-DVD unveiling next month is an embarrassment to the filmmakers and an open admission by the studio that the movie sucks. They know that not even word-of-mouth will save this thing from tanking by about 4 o’clock Saturday afternoon. The limited dump and quick DVD flush is the only way they can fathom making a quick buck.
By the way, you guys think we’re tough reviewers on TriggerStreet? Read these real reviews by real critics and be terrified. For a screenwriter, these may very well be career-ending reviews:
James Berardinelli's ZERO STAR Review:
“We have seen this sort of thing too many times for it to be inventive or clever. It's tired, and the filmmakers fail to find a way to invest it with anything fresh. (Here's a novel concept: why not try to make a horror film scary?)
“Feast makes Snakes on a Plane look like the pinnacle of cinematic achievement.
“Zero stars does not mean the movie is completely without merit. By my estimate, the film includes approximately 45 seconds of worthwhile material (a couple of amusing visual gags, one of which features a stalled car and occurs just in advance of the end credits). Since the running length is short of 90 minutes, that means about 0.9% of Feast merits viewing. That means 9 cents of your $10.00 movie ticket is well spent…”
Andrew Wright of Seattle’s The Stranger:
“Give novice scripters Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton some amount of credit for trying to craft a winking ur-text for the genre – the characters are all given generic titles like Heroine, Bartender, and Beer Guy – but their conceptual goals appear to far outweigh their actual writing ability.”
Nick Schager of Slant Magazine:
“Writers Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton's script barely generates any chuckles from its strained one-liners… the fact remains that, rather than catching Feast during its limited midnight-movie theatrical release, one can enjoy comparable B-movie goofiness via any Saturday-night Sci-Fi Channel offering.”
Dennis Harvey of Variety:
“Basically throwing together familiar horror ideas without focusing on any in particular, Feast hopes its wild tone will compensate for the lack of distinctive characters or ideas.”
They should be grateful Ebert is still hospitalized.
A friend of mine sent me an email that I’m sure is exactly what word-of-mouth will sound like across the nation: “Oh, yes... it was BAD. With the exception of a few humorous lines, the story sucked. In retrospect, I should have used the free Jackass 2 tickets I had instead.”
What did I tell you guys in my previous post about Feast? Take heed my words or suffer the consequences: “Before you step into the spotlight on the world stage with your screenplays, you had better a) possess a God-like knowledge of every facet of screenwriting b) already be a master craftsman, and c) have awesomely executed scripts under your belt that will stun the world and have them begging for more. Period. You have to be THAT good. And, in this day and age, you’re only as good as your last script, which means that you have to deliver something incredible every time you’re at bat.”
6 comments:
MM-
The link between your title and opening line was duly noted and appreciated :) Also, it's no accident that this is post "No. 2" for you about Feast...
That's why I like Triggerstreet. It gives us a chance to practice our craft, make mistakes, and try again without getting shafted by the critics.
Ross - You said "No. 2." Huh-huh-huh...
Miriam - Me too!
MM
Nothing beats a good Beavis and Butthead reference.
I LOVE Beavis & Butthead!
Thanks for sharring importent information in this blog.
It was very nice.
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