It's Create a Character Weekend!
Do you remember that scene in Wonder Boys when Professor Grady Tripp (Michael Douglas) was in the Hi-Hat Club with James Leer (Tobey Maquire) and Terry Crabtree (Robert Downey Jr.)?
They noticed a funny-looking guy across the hall and played a game in which they tried to imagine his life's story. They drummed up the name “Vernon Hardapple” and a tale about him being a jockey who fell off his horse, which is how he got his scar, and now he’s addicted to pain killers, can't piss standing up, and lives with his Mom who blames him for his brother's death.
So let’s play.
3 things I’d like to know about the man above:
They noticed a funny-looking guy across the hall and played a game in which they tried to imagine his life's story. They drummed up the name “Vernon Hardapple” and a tale about him being a jockey who fell off his horse, which is how he got his scar, and now he’s addicted to pain killers, can't piss standing up, and lives with his Mom who blames him for his brother's death.
So let’s play.
3 things I’d like to know about the man above:
- What's his name?
- What's his life like?
- What are his character contradictions?
23 comments:
Hi, I'm Stanley Stubbing but my friends call me Swapmeet. I'm the best bargain-hunter in town. (Since I'm "between jobs" presently, it's good to know where to get value for your dollar. hehe)
I'm looking for a non-smoking, attractive girl with no kids who knows how to dress. I usually share an apartment with my Uncle Sid so it'd be great if you had your own place. No pets, please. I don't think they'd get along with my anaconda or iguana.
My turn-ons? Women who don't talk too much, who understand that their place is in the home taking care of their hardworking husband and loving family. A man should be the breadwinner, you know (but it's ok if you have some money saved up because it might take me another month or two after I get out to find a Taco Bell where they don't require that I work every weekend and holidays. Crap, I mean, a guy's gotta have some time to unwind, doesn't he?).
Anyway, I'd love to meet you sometime soon but I have to get back to the hospital now. Bye!
Name: Derelict Taurus
Life: Being a Triple-T, better known as a Tobacco Taste Tester for Phillip Morris, Derelict Taurus spends much of his time in the hospital. He likes the bracelets and wears them 'til they fall off, so he doesn't mind.
When he's not haunting local coffee shops and hitting poetry slams, he day-trades on his Blackberry while hanging out in the alley behind the Marriott with his "crew".
Character Contradictions: Derelict Taurus is a Billionaire Beatnik.
Oh my God, I was just rolling...
To me, he looks like a romantic, but he's asexual. Hehehe...
Bob Stanley loves football. He tried so hard to play football in high school but ended up as the team manager because he just isn't that good. But he loves football. He became s sports reporter for the town paper and has covered every home game for the local high school team in the past three years, but he just can't get noticed by any of the big league papers.
Tonight the team lost in their big state championship run and he's got to be the one to deliver the news to the town tomorrow. He thinks he might want to ditch his job tonight and hit a sports bar. He's got a flirtation going with the hot bartender becaus in this town, he's a celebrity.
But he'll go back to the paper and write up the story and get lots of angry phone calls in the morning because Bob loves football more than women, more than booze, more than anything else in the world. And the town counts on him to tell the stories.
Hehehe... I that's great! I can totally see the football-geek-writer connection!
He looks like the kind of guy who would talk to everyone all day "I gotta get back to my story." And it'll take him all day to get back to his story, which is always written in a rush tweny minutes before deadline. "Don't bother me, don't bother me, I gotta write, I gotta write!"
Hehehe...
Pat, Carl, Miriam - you REALLY had me rolling.
Beasel Dorfner cleans carpets for a living. Not because he likes it mind you... He does it for the spare change beneath the sofa cushions. He does it for the leftovers in the refrigerator. He does it for the assorted junk in your junk drawer.
At 32 years of age, Beasel is saving himself for just the right woman... Or man. He's an equal opportunity kinda guy... At least he thinks so.
A rebellious day for the "Beez" is to move all your furniture to one side of the room – clean your carpets – and then, replace the furniture so that it's just a few inches off from where it originally stood.
Beasel's Dad is a retired toll booth clerk but now he collects black and white photographs of old casino gambling chips. He's very proud of his collection.
Beasel's Mom on the other hand still works as a dental assistant which is why Beasel's teeth illumintate a dark room every time he enters.
Recently, Beasel's been trying something a little different... Upon eating some rancid leftover enchiladas at a customer's home while on a carpet cleaning job, Beasel ran to the bathroom and used the customer's toothbrush to clean his teeth and mouth... With each stroke of the toothbrush, Beasel imagined what it would be like to clean his customer's teeth. Up and down. In and out. Beasel was on fire with fantasy teeth cleaning.
The fantasy led him to his mother's little bag of dental tricks hidden deeply inside the closet... When he popped open the bag, dental hygiene wafted through his nostrils.
He was hooked.
Carvers. Picks. Needles. Tongue scrapers. This was Beasel's new world. How would he start?
It's good to have a hobby.
Unk
As the meeting begins Thaddeus (No, please don't call me Thad, thank you.") Warren takes his turn in front of the group. Two hours sober, he's wearing a band on his arm from the circuit party he just left. No one knows he's gay, well, that's what he'd like to think... after all look at how he dresses! But, under that dorky vest he's got a furry pelt that the boys love to run their hands over. Without the glasses (who needs to see when you're trashed on X?) he's pretty hot, one of those square jawed types that all the boys go for. As for the cig? Well, he's got an oral fixation... and a guy's gotta do something with his hands , ya know?
;)
OMG, Unk. That is hilarious!
Rose, I love the furry pelt! I have no doubt he has one! Thad would also be proof that not all gay men know how to dress! Hehehe...
Unk, that's both funny and utterly terrifying. Hehehe... Love the name Beasel (Beez). That was great, man.
Yeah, the furry pelt is great. It's a good visual.
His name is Derek, he's actually pretty hot and is a bartender in Venice Beach and when his exgirlfriend found him "behind the bar" with another chick she dug up this old photo of him clowning around and pasted in all the stalls in all the women's toilets in all the bars within a square mile of his work (except for his) with a notice, "If you had sex with this man, it's imperative that you report to the free clinic within 24 hours."
Ooops. Didn't finish.
His life is booze, parties, sex and hangovers. He thinks this is normal and can't figure out why his ex got so bent out of shape. He also thinks that picture shows his playful side, because he has yet to see a picture of himself he doesn't like. Especially the nude ones. With the ex. That he intends to glue in some men's rooms when his bruises heal. (Who knew so many girls he knew would all be peeing in the same places? And why the hell did the first four or five not tell him why they were hitting him for shit's sake so he could get rid of those pictures?)
Hehehe... That's hysterical.
He's got that weird combination of looking intelligent and stupid at the same time, doesn't he? And he looks like this creature that feels perfectly at home in a club scene, but he's like the funny weirdo eveyone knows and they all think he's harmless when, in fact, he may not be...
Love it, Pooks!
To me, he almost looks like the kind of guy who would qualify as the 36-year-old virgin if it hadn't been for that misunderstanding with an older woman named Claire when the power went out in New York. Hehehe...
-MM
Nobody knows his real name.
Today it's Rocky and he's a movie producer. Yesterday, it was Elwood and he was an aerospace engineer. Tomorrow, it could be Hildegarde working in the school cafeteria.
His rare amnesiac viral infection of the brain results in short and long term memory losses. His brain is swiss cheese so he takes on the identity of the last person he remembers.
He climbs poles to disconnect cable connections when he's not using the poles to dance and strip. He may bag your groceries or reshelve them, wash your car or write you a citation, mow your lawn or dig it up. He may clean your pool or hose down your barbecue grill like a good little firefighter.
He's a nuisance and the town is fed up.
He's broke, homeless, despised, and undiagnosed -- doctors won't see him anymore. He keeps trying to give their medical assistants pap exams.
Ross, I just love the contrast of a man who's an "expert on human behavior, yet he can't seem to find himself." That's beautiful!
MaryAn - Bwaah ha ha ha! I laughed out loud. That's great.
"His rare amnesiac viral infection of the brain results in short and long term memory losses. His brain is swiss cheese so he takes on the identity of the last person he remembers."
Sounds like a fantabulous premise for a movie!!!
gimmeabreak, maybe I'll just make a film short out of him.
Hey! How'd a pic of me end up over here?
In some ways, you're all right - sad but true.
...and you don't want to know what I'm doing with my left hand.
Picking the gum out from underneath the bench?
Ya know, Dix, you won't believe the enormous effort it took to find a pic of you with your clothes STILL ON.
Hehehe...
-MM
I think I'll do this every weekend. This was TOO much fun.
-MM
MM - you must have been checking out my pix back when I 'performed' under the names Dixon TooFar and Big Dix Wilson.
Ah good times...good times...lol
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